All by M Y S E L F

Who goes on a vacation solo? I do…well, at least I used to do it a lot but it’s been awhile. Traveling solo can involve a roller coaster of emotions. One day, you are feeling high because you met so many people, and you’re like, traveling solo is amazeballs because it forces me to meet new people! And then the next day, or maybe even a couple of hours later, nobody is willing to engage or talk to you, and just like that, you are in a low. Thus, I was a bit apprehensive about going on this trip solo, and even considered canceling; but several friends encouraged me to go. And if you follow me, you now know that I’m a Brené Brown be vulnerable, head straight towards your fear type of influencer. 

In a nutshell, this is the best trip I have had to Maui out of like 8+ times? Processing it, I think it’s because being solo allowed me to do only the things I wanted to do. Also, I decided to rent a bike this time, how have I never done this before? And maybe the dopamine reset was responsible too? Before my trip, I was listening to the Huberman podcast on dopamine and addiction. Huberman recommended the book Dopamine Nation by Anna Lembke, and I bought the book to read on Maui. Though I hadn’t read the book yet, I already knew about this idea of a dopamine reset to decrease addiction to things like social media. Yes, I am on my phone more than I think I should, but I don’t think I am addicted to my phone, nor am I addicted to social media. But I am a person who tries to BE BEST. I deleted both Instagram and STRAVA at the SFO airport right before I boarded the plane. 

 

I kept Instagram deleted the entire duration of the trip. STRAVA proved to be a bit trickier. I realized that if I used my Garmin, it would upload to Garmin Connect, and my activities would upload to STRAVA. And these bastard activities would be void of a (cleverly) crafted title—this was just too much for me to overcome. I thought about deleting the Garmin Connect app or making sure Bluetooth was turned off, but I use air pods, and everything just got complicated, like my romantic life. And just like my complicated romantic life, I decided to keep STRAVA in my life. 

 

So, how was this dopamine reset experience? I am not qualified to psychoanalyze what happened, but I can tell you that I did not miss Instagram. But I did keep making Instagram content knowing that I would post it once I returned; and I think knowing this helped me not miss it. I think the hardest part was not knowing what was happening and how the racers were feeling as it was  happening at Oceanside 70.3. I deleted Facebook three years ago and I still don’t miss it. I had to wait for the Oceanside 70.3 story on Slowtwitch just like the old days. I learned that there are people that I only connect through social media, and I learned which friends connect with me on both social media and through texts/calls. I still value all my friendships in whatever form. Would I do it again? Yes, there will be more dopamine resets in my future, and in other forms like: no phone whatsoever, no compulsive exercising, and other things I find myself repeatedly doing. I think it was a very positive experience…and maybe better for my eyes than I knew.

 

My eyes have been shit of late. There are days where I feel like I just can’t focus on anything near nor far, and I see double images. I had my eyes tested and the optometrist said my vision is 20/25, whaaaa-t? But on the day that I did the Haleakala climb, I remember descending and thinking, OMG, my eyes are killing it, and I can see and read signs! That day, I barely looked at my phone and instead spent most of the day looking far ahead of me and down the road. Once again, sample size of one, I think my eyes enjoyed the break from looking at the phone/computer/screens and down the road. I’ll keep experimenting for a larger sample size. 

 

The Haleakala climb experience was A M A Z I N G. I can’t believe that I had never thought about doing this ride before this trip. And I don’t think I ever fully committed to doing the entire climb. I remember telling Charisa that I am just going to start the climb and see how far I feel like going. Charisa responded saying she bet that It’s harder to force yourself to stop at 7K and turn around and descend, then going all the way up. She is so wise…and correct. And the Universe was laying down some serious doubts in my head, too. The bike rental was a bit of a fiasco, you can read my Google review for the story, and I had this strange toothache! It was sooo painful, I could not chew at all on my right side and if food accidently went over to the right, even as small as a quinoa grain, and I bit down, it was this pain radiating out through my entire head. The night before the climb, it took me 45 minutes to chew and eat my dinner. And I didn’t get much sleep the nights prior because the tooth was hurting so badly. Like I said, the Universe was laying down serious doubts. And speaking of doubts, at 7K of the climb, I was hurting (actually I was hurting at 5K!), and thought you can stop and descend. But I couldn’t. Charisa was right, it was harder to stop at 7K than to keep suffering and go all the way to the top. One mile from the top, I was fighting dizziness and lapses in thought and consciousness. And both legs were cramping. I stopped to eat my last SKRATCH labs gummies. It took me almost 5 minutes to open that damn fucking package, and this is not new with his packaging. In fact, I used scissors to cut the other packages I carried, this was my emergency package that I did not think I would need. My legs were seizing and I was trying to take deep breaths to keep them from cramping, while raising my heartrate trying to rip open the damn package. Fuck you Allen Lim. Fuck you. That’s all I kept thinking in my head. I gingerly hopped back on my bike to not induce more cramping of the legs. I get to the Haleakala Visitor Center and I think that I am finished, and at the top, but then I see 0.5 miles to the SUMMIT!!!! Fuck me. And the pitch gets more steep. Both legs seized up and I was cramping so badly. But have I been here, damn right I’ve been here, many times. If there is one life experience that I have had many times over, is trying to pedal whilst both legs cramped. I just turned my front wheel side to side to keep momentum, took deep breaths hoping the oxygen would ease up the cramp, and just keep trying to push through the cramp and turn the legs in circles. It took me over 9 minutes to climb that last 0.5 miles, I would have walked it faster. At the summit, I posed for a picture with both legs completely seized up, and fighting thoughts that I was going to die of dehydration and severe cramping. But Ironman AMIRITE? Or Boston Marathon that year it rained the entire time. If I don’t have two IV’s, one in each arm, than I am faring better than my race at Vineman, and certainly not going to die. And if my body temperature is not 95-96 degrees while I lay with hypothermia in the medical tent post Boston, then I’m not going to die. I just have to wait for the nutrition and the oxygen to kick in, the latter being a bit harder at 10,000+ feet. 

 

T H I S I S L I V I N G. to me. not dying, that is.